If It's Not OK, Then It's Not the End

As many of you know, our embryo transfer resulted in a chemical pregnancy (which is basically a very early miscarriage). There were some unforeseen complications during the transfer that, at the time, didn't seem like a big deal, but looking back, possibly resulted in the failure of this cycle.  Those issues have been corrected (we hope) and we will try again soon.

I am so thankful that many of you have shared with us the highs and lows of this journey. For the first time in five months, I can focus on something other than myself and my own issues. I am so thankful for friends who have shared music, food, and drink with me to help me through this time. I am thankful for friends who come to my "Sucks You're Not Pregnant" party I threw for myself and for taking me out to enjoy a drink in a bar that was get this...a library! Fabulous.  I am certainly learning how to make the best of a bad situation.

I truly believe that when are meant to bring a child into our home, either through birth or adoption, that it will happen. On the morning of my second pregnancy test (turns out you can actually be "sort of" pregnant, I asked God for a verse to comfort me. During my 90 Day Bible reading challenge, March 6 happened to feature Zephaniah 3:17.

The LORD your God is with you, 

he is mighty to save. 

He will take great delight in you, 

he will quiet you with his love, 

he will rejoice over you with singing.

I love the idea of God quieting me with his love. I tend to overthink things and worry a lot, so this verse was instantaneously calming. I knew that God could save our embryo if it was his plan, but he chose not to. And that's OK. I also just like the idea of God singing over me and taking great delight in me.  Another idea that's been in my head a lot is how God is near to us and cares about our suffering. I don't believe that asking "Why does God do this?" is of any use. We cannot know why. But we can know that because we see God through Jesus. In his time with us, he was "moved by compassion" on three occasions. Jesus also cries a lot when his friends die. Most men I know don't cry, but the idea that Jesus felt our suffering and it moved him to tears? We are not alone. The Greek word used in these cases is the same word that at that time would have been used to describe how a mother felt about a baby in her womb.  The idea that God cares for us and *feels* for us as deeply and tenderly as a mother feels for her unborn child makes me know that God cares for our sufferings.  All these ideas and a lot more brillliant thinking about Jesus can be found in Phillip Yancey's amazing The Jesus I Never Knew which I recommend as highly as any book I've ever read.